As a Jewish matchmaker I have conversations about love with singles from all walks of life and a common concern of many is a tendency to become lost in love – to become so enmeshed with another person that their own needs and wants become difficult to distinguish. Sound romantic? It isn't. It's emotionally unhealthy and leads to feeling dissatisfied and suffocated in the relationship, often culminating in a chaotic breakup with lots of tears and conflicted feelings.
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Jewish Dating, a time to enjoy, look forward to, as ultimately you are looking for your soul mate, your best friend, your Beshert. So have fun in the world of Jewish Dating About author: Lesley has been working as a Jewish Matchmaker on the JRetroMatch and works with Jewish Singles all over the world. She has been working in Social Services. The World's Largest Jewish Singles Group. 1,073 likes 11 talking about this. Welcome to the world's largest Jewish singles group. If you're Jewish and single join the group for free here.
How and why do we lose ourselves in love? It starts innocently enough. We meet someone we like and we want them to like us in return. Our hormones are in overdrive and we find ourselves wanting to spend all our free time with this person, looking for commonalities and constantly evaluating our compatibility. We want to attract this person; we want to please this person; we want to be the person this person is looking for, so we present the ‘best version' of ourselves, an idealized version of who we want to be, and as we learn what pleases and displeases the other person, we continue to conform so that we appear to be a good ‘fit'.
Are you beginning to see the problem?
When you're so focused on being who someone else is seeking, you lose focus on who you actually are. A healthier approach to this oft-repeated pattern is meeting someone we like, wanting them to like us in return, and consciously deciding to show up as ourselves, knowing that if our true self appeals to this person, we are likely an awesome match and a deeper, more lasting connection will be made. So why aren't we doing this? I think it's mostly out of fear. Fear that we're imperfect and our imperfections will be a turn-off. Fear of not being good-enough, fear of not being liked. But mostly, fear of being alone.
How do you fall in love without losing yourself?
First, you've got to let go of those fears, and that takes inner work. No one can do it for you. Confronting your fears requires introspection and brutal honesty – with yourself. That is the step numero uno. Once fear is removed from the equation, the following tips should come easy:
1) Spend time with your family and your friends: You know that friend who disappears whenever a new love comes into her life? Don't be that friend. Don't let couple togetherness consume the time that you previously put into nurturing your relationships with friends and family. A strong support system outside of the relationship is crucial. Don't make your partner your one and only source of comfort, support, and encouragement. You need to know that there are people who have ‘got your back' no matter what happens in the relationship, so never make one person your lifeline.
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2) Nurture your hobbies and interests: Sharing hobbies is a wonderful way to connect with your partner, but you're not identical twins. You're bound to have some interests that simply don't interest your partner and vice versa. Don't give up the hobbies that you don't share in order to concentrate only on those you do. Your hobbies and interests are an outlet for aspects of your personality that need to be expressed; don't stifle them.
3) Spend time alone: Pink cupid. Even if you think you don't need alone time, you probably do. The only people I know who say they don't need time alone and want to spend all their time with their partner are people who are insecure about their relationship. Even extroverts need some periods of alone time – if only to listen to that small inner voice that serves as our own personal barometer of what's going on in our heads and our hearts. Breckenridge speed dating 50. Alone time is good for both of you and wanting time alone is not an indication that you are not compatible or not ‘right' for each other; it's as vital as breathing.
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2) Nurture your hobbies and interests: Sharing hobbies is a wonderful way to connect with your partner, but you're not identical twins. You're bound to have some interests that simply don't interest your partner and vice versa. Don't give up the hobbies that you don't share in order to concentrate only on those you do. Your hobbies and interests are an outlet for aspects of your personality that need to be expressed; don't stifle them.
3) Spend time alone: Pink cupid. Even if you think you don't need alone time, you probably do. The only people I know who say they don't need time alone and want to spend all their time with their partner are people who are insecure about their relationship. Even extroverts need some periods of alone time – if only to listen to that small inner voice that serves as our own personal barometer of what's going on in our heads and our hearts. Breckenridge speed dating 50. Alone time is good for both of you and wanting time alone is not an indication that you are not compatible or not ‘right' for each other; it's as vital as breathing.
4) Pursue your passions: This one is similar to #2 except it's focused on your passions and dreams. Don't give them up! Loving someone doesn't mean that you have to give up on your dreams or your personal source of inspiration. Want to open a small business? Share that dream with your partner and continue to grow it alongside the relationship. Dreams and goals give our life meaning and purpose. Giving up your purpose and focusing only on the relationship can lead to feelings of insignificance and self-sacrifice – neither of which is going to make you a happy camper or a happy partner. Even if your dreams have to be delayed or adjusted because of current circumstances or relationship goals, be sure to keep some form of them alive.
5) Retain your independence: It's fun to hang out together and it's great to feel as though you've got a ‘partner in crime', but healthy self-esteem and self-confidence come from knowing that you can take care of yourself and be more-than-okay doing so. A mutual reliance on each other is important in a relationship and everyone needs to feel needed, but there is a difference between knowing you can count on your partner and leaning on him/her for support versus becoming dependent on your partner for your own happiness. Genuine love is not dependence; love is a support, not a crutch. Don't slip into the mindset that you ‘can't live' without your partner. Wyndham online dating photographers. You may prefer not to, but make sure that if you had to, you could.
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6) Be yourself: Losing yourself in love means losing your sense of independent identity and finding yourself only identified by your place in the relationship. You eat, breath, and sleep the relationship; your every action is determined by how your partner will react or what he/she will think or feel about it (and you!). This is not good for you or for the relationship. You are unique in this world. There is no other person who shares your unique life experience or your unique perspective on life. Don't extinguish that light in the flames of passion. You and your partner may have commonalities, but you are not the same person. Learn to be fully yourself and encourage your partner to bring his/her full self to the relationship and if neither of you really know yourselves, embark on a shared journey of self-awareness, just make sure you each have your own ticket to ride.
World Of Jewish Singles Dating
Jewish Singles Over 50
NEW YORK - When Emily Wolper broke her engagement six years ago, she promised herself that if the time came when she felt ready to have a child and she was still single, she'd have one on her own.Now 37, Wolper, a college admissions consultant in Morristown, N.J., is undergoing in-vitro fertilization treatments. If all goes according to plan, Wolper will join the growing ranks of Jewish women embarking on the journey to become a single mother by choice.'I didn't want to find myself in my early 40s, childless, and then be in an emergency situation of trying to have children,' Wolper told JTA. 'Motherhood is way too important to be dependent on finding my man. I'm still looking for him, but I'm ready to have a child.'With studies showing American Jewish women marrying at older ages than ever, more and more Jewish women are confronting the choice of whether to become single moms while it's still biologically possible or continue to gamble with those chances and wait for Mr. Right.Many mothers say the decision is the hardest part. Can they raise a kid on their own? Will conservative-minded family or friends ostracize them? Later in life, will their child resent them for it?Then there's the cost. Aside from mothers shouldering the burden of being the sole provider, fertility treatments can cost anywhere from $10,000 to $50,000. In Israel, treatments are free for women to have two children.Tehilla Blumenthal, an Israeli psychologist who wrote her doctoral dissertation on single Jewish mothers, says medical technology that has made it easier for older women to become pregnant has prompted a growing number of Jewish women to try single motherhood.'For most women, the ideal is to get married and have kids,' Blumenthal said. 'Their biological clocks are ticking, and these women are no longer going to sit around and wait. And when more of the Jewish community is accepting this, why should they?'Statistics on Jewish single motherhood are hard to pinpoint, but a US group called Single Mothers by Choice says that the number has jumped in recent years. Overall, 30 percent of their 15,000 members are Jewish.'When I had my oldest son 14 years ago, I only knew of two or three women who had children on their own,' said Dvora Ross, 49, an Orthodox single mother in Israel who has had three children through artificial insemination. 'Today there's basically one kid in each class in Jerusalem. It's growing rapidly.'One 41-year-old Orthodox Jewish doctor in the New York area who recently gave birth to a set of twins through IVF said she was pleasantly surprised by how accepting her community has been.'People have been really amazing,' she said. 'I don't feel different from anyone else, and I don't see myself different from any other family. The only tough part is when people in synagogue ask me what my husband does. It's always embarrassing for both of us.'Rachel from California, who asked that her last name be withheld, said she had to switch her son out of several Jewish day schools after he faced frequent bullying.'After one play date, he came home in tears because kids would taunt him about not having a father,' she said. 'He never asked questions before then, but it did open a can of worms. It was heartbreaking answering him.'Things have improved since he switched schools, she said, and Rachel is now undergoing IVF treatments to have a second child.Wolper says it's daunting to think about how her decision to become a single mother will affect her child, but she's trying to stay positive.'I think there are a lot of life circumstances where a child will have to answer difficult questions, like if they are being raised by grandparents or they have two dads,' she said. 'I know life might be hard for them on the playground.'Even in Orthodox circles, there is a growing acceptance of single mothers by choice, according to Rabbi Yuval Cherlow, who is on an an Israeli government ethics committee. While some rabbinic authorities object to fertility treatments for single women, others say Jewish law, or halachah, permits it.'Ideally, it'd be best for these women to get married, to have a traditional family, but we know how important family is,' Cherlow said. 'Her options might be to adopt a child or marry the first man she dates. Having a child through fertility treatment on her own seems like the best option here.'But the Puah Institute, an infertility support center in Jerusalem that provides counseling to Jewish women and Jewish families around the world, refuses to counsel unmarried women about fertility treatments. Instead, Puah recommends that they freeze their eggs to buy themselves more time.'Our guidance tells us to only help married people because a child should be a product of a husband and wife,' said Rabbi Gideon Weitzman, director of Puah's English-speaking Department for Fertility and Medicine.The freezing option has its limits, Blumenthal notes. The survival rate of eggs from women aged 35 to 38 is 35 percent, and 20 percent for women aged 39 to 40, according to Reproductive Biology Associates in Atlanta.Ross says she hopes that someday the entire Jewish community will embrace single mothers. Last year, along with several other women, Ross launched a support group for religious single mothers in Israel that is believed to be the first of its kind. The group, Kayama, now has more than 200 women involved.'It's really become something people talk about,' Ross said. 'We're trying to create a safe place for support and let women know this is an option.'The 41-year-old doctor who just had twins said that having her kids was the best thing that ever happened to her -- and has even helped her dating life.'Now I can go out with men and not just see them as a potential father of my kids, I can actually analyze them as a spouse, someone to spend time with,' she said.'I'm not saying its easy being the only one running around, and there are definitely limits to what you physically can accomplish in your older years. But at the end of the day,' she said, 'I wouldn't have it any other way.'